I Am — Amber Spear

I am not;

Entirely sure how I feel about writing this now so I will call it practice.

Why ? Well I am within a process of un-fearing and usually the furtherest thing my nay-saying Ego wishes to do when fear is here, is engage in the many various processes of my persistent navigation to get to the roots.

Writing is for me, but one way to proceed.

At this moment in time as I write, I am in aircraft flight and for the whole first half hour of it, I cried.

Mixed emotions spilling down my face for the feelings of physical distance from my boys and also the new experience of traveling on my Swiss passport for the very first time.

For anyone validating my new red wonder card, it’s no thing; a bright brunette in transit with a passport to Switzerland.

For me its something else entirely.

The process of holding this thing in my hand and touching it towards my heart has been a long time coming and not all the way an easy journey.

I received my eligibility in December last year - 2018 - and only now have found myself speaking to others in casual conversation about it. The strange sensation of using it today feels as foreign as I suppose I still do.

Naturalised now as a Swiss, I am ever still Australian and this, and my love for all that she holds, will never go away.

“The soils of my motherland gave strength to my bones, my very being in this crazy world has derived from the vast planes of the Australian land of droughts, floods and sweeping rains. ”

I am all this and yet so much more.

As my tender human struggles to separate the sensitivities of my mother from the success of fulfilling on my necessary desire - the desire to hold the same passport as my sons - I move forward upon the path wide eyed.

In my heart there is no lack of space, rather I have always felt myself to be global, known there was so much more and now I suppose the physical has manifested with worldly proof.

This is a ticket to a new place, a space of possibility that I now have the capacity within to fully participate. I am Australian and Yet I am also Swiss.

But yet, so I AM.

I AM all that and the enormity of eternity - I am the sunshine and the shore, the mountains and the rivers - I am both sides of this gorgeous globe and every bit a part of everything in between - I am the stars that I was birthed beneath that, up here in the North, searching brown eyes can not see.

I am the constellations here, there, everywhere. I am the tea cup moon in Dubai, the side by side in the Swiss night sky, I am the Australian evening pearl and her scorching sunrise.

I am the entire cosmos arising and falling on the very breath of each moment that animates this woman’s body. I am the power to heal what plagues and the sustaining presence to elevate new ways. I am that. I AM.

I am love.

As unbearable as it sometimes may feel, as oft as I try to push the great mothers love astray and do it all my own way, I am the interconnection of opposites and anything other than small. I am tall, I am wisdom, I am wise. I am the teachers pride and the teaching embodied. I am the victory, Jai ! I am the daughter of Christ, the translation of times, the tears of Mary. The Yoga of true intimacy. The triggers and turmoils of the material walk with me and yet your embrace heals me. I surrender to thee, in the sheer joy and ecstasy of living humility.

I am all that

I AM.

Lead photos Bern Switzerland;

photographer credit - Nicolas Ipina

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